I Am Not Dead (Well, I THINK That I Am Not Dead, But I Could Always Be Wrong)

Hi.
So I'm here after an era of a hiatus to bring you *cue heavenly chorus* a whiny writer identity crisis post.
Yeah, sorry.
For some reason, I decided to paste a portion of my manuscript into the I Write Like analyzer. And it spat out this:

I tried it again, this time with a different portion of text, and it still insisted:



I then copied my ENTIRE MANUSCRIPT into the box and punched "Analyze".
Three guesses as to what it told me.
By this point, I was pretty offended. It's been a long time since I've read any of the Twilights, but one thing I remember noticing about SM's style is that she layers on her adverbs. I've lost track of how many articles I've read that warned me not to overuse my adverbs, so I'm pretty conscientious about where I put my ly's.
So I started researching critiques of her style. I found a forum that raised some interesting points, and a tumblr blog that is both hilarious and intimidating.
Some of the main problems people have with SM's writing is her Mary Sue of a main character, the unhealthy romance, her slow pacing and anti-climaxes, her repetitious prose, and her overall lack of taking the writing craft seriously.

Well.
The character development and story issues don't really have anything to do with me. I'm not saying that my crap is perfect (or that it's better than Twlight--that's an opinion that I'm going to stay away from) but the Analyzer was judging my style, not my story.
Even though I'm writing the second draft of my novel, it's still a rough draft. I think it's even rougher than my first draft. Seriously, this thing is UG-LAY. It needs major cosmetic reconstructions. So maybe I am making some Meyer-esque mistakes. Maybe I'm over describing stuff. Maybe I'm using a bit too many m-dashes in my hasty typing. Maybe my attempt to dwelve further into my characters' heads and play with their voices has resulted in some language that is crude and simplistic.
Maybe once I [finish and] edit my manuscript, I'll try the analyzer thingy again and I'll get a different answer.
Maybe I really do write like Stephenie Meyer.
Maybe I should just shut up and get back to writing.
Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe baby.

I still don't know what to think. 

Feeling Awful

untitled by Maggie Lochtenberg on Flickr

Hi. I am somewhat still alive, although I do find myself struggling to breathe under these mountains of homework. I also have a fairly annoying cold. I'm probably overworking myself. Compared to everyone else, though, I feel like I'm hardly working at all. My motivation is a bit lacking. That, and some of my homework assignments are, well, stupid.
My English class this year is focused a lot around writing. It's a fabulous idea. We have a writing assignment nearly every night. We learn different techniques to improve our writing, like parallelism and verb play. We even get "writing buddies", which is basically the same concept of a critique partner except sometimes we actually have to actually write things together. The creative writing assignments are, in my opinion, horrible.
I'm not sure if I'm the only one (I seem to be at my school) but I have a great deal of trouble writing about myself (writing a blog post about myself is totally different).
Here is a list of some of the assignments I've had recently:
-Write about an ideal dream you have
-Write about a scary experience you've had
-Write about a person you admire

...you get the picture. Writing these essays is doing a toll on my confidence as a writer. I don't think that I'm anywhere near being an excellent writer and I'm not looking for people to reassure me. It's just...I've written hundreds of thousands more words than my friends have and hell, I do it all for fun. Why would these 500 and less word essays stress me out? Why does everything I turn in feel like absolute rubbish? I want to cry. I want to lay down in my bed and wrap myself in my blankets so tightly that all of the negative feelings are squeezed out. Earlier this summer, I came to peace with the decision that I want to be a writer. There's nothing I love doing more, nothing else that I feel I invest the rest of my life in. Some might say these assignments are good for me. I'm learning how to deal with self doubt. I'm learning to write stuff I don't care about. I'm learning new techniques. Bla bla bla.
I tried looking at it that way but I still feel awful.
Some of my sadness could be from not being able to work on my MS for what feels like months. I'm running very behind on my schedule, and the guilt of not working on it is breaking me, but the guilt of working on it instead of my homework would be even worse. It's getting to the point where I've forgotten how really writing makes me feel. I'm gaining all sorts of negative connotations toward it because of these exercises. And that is killing me.
Also, it's been a long time since I've read a good book (or any book, for that matter). I always get a bit fuzzy around the edges when I'm not able to read.
Have you ever had to deal with something like this? What do you think? Is it a sign that maybe I'm not as cut out for writing as I initially thought? (I'm never going to give up, I promise.)
Anyway, that is what is up with me. Hope everyone else is doing well. And if you're not, hang in there. I have this immortal belief that things will always get better if you wait long enough. Some call it hope.


"Read books. Care about things. Get excited. Try not to be too down on yourself. Enjoy the ever present game of knowing." --Hank Green

"Don't feel stupid if you don't like what everyone else pretends to love." --Emma Watson

An adorable cat picture to make up for this somber and whiny post:

My Dear Sweet Dilemma

I officially decided to completely throw out 20K of my novel the other day. It was all rubbish. Now I have to figure out how to get from point A to point B. I've made several story lines that have huge gaps in the center now (a couple of them had gaps even before the deletion - which is a sliver of the reason it had to go) and that is the dilemma. I can't simply rewrite the scenes that were there before - they had no right being there in the first place. So it's a matter of unearthing what the story needs and wants and separating it from what I need and want.

My subconscious is screaming Tension! Tension! Tension! Bad stuff! (Because the word "tension" is beginning to look weird to me.) I've seen several blog posts about how you need to have a fake climax before your real climax. Let your character fail at something. Keep the threat constant. Make it a roller coaster. Surprise yourself and therefore everyone else. Keeping all of these tips in mind, I've listed several maybes as to what can happen in that huge gap. While they're all alright ideas, I can't use all of them; however, I'm beginning to worry that I can't use any of them. 

It's hard to determine how much space each idea could take to write; each could vary from a couple of pages to tens of thousands of words. I don't want to put too much work into developing a thought and making it fit in with the rest of the story and it end up being much too short. Then again, I don't want to become so focused on the new idea and have it turn into a story entirely on its own...because not-so-technically, that would mean the cancer (I refer to the original 20K as the "tumor") has returned. How do I keep my manuscript healthy?

There are ideas I quite like and seem to fit well with everything else, but they're incomplete. They're like unfinished sentences because I'm stuck on a certain word and can't move forward. I can almost taste the rest of the ideas...but as soon as they start take shape, a breeze blows by and they disperse again. I've been told to give it time - the epiphany will happen when I least expect it (or want it). And -sigh- I will. I have no choice. 

This novel is SUCH a teenager though. I've already given it three years, put in the time and tears to mold it into a thing, and now it wants to tear itself apart word by word. It's all needy and messy, like a baby. I just want to smack it and scream, "Stop acting like a WIP!Be done already!" But I'm afraid I'll get arrested for novel abuse. Besides, it'll probably just rebel even more or something. I just wish it would be more considerate; I have other WIPs, you know! Anyway, I'm going to be lenient for now. Whatever. 

The clock is ticking, though. I have five more months until my deadline, but school starts in a week. School, as it likes to believe, trumps writing as much as I can help it. My novel had better not try to pull anything else. 

(Yeah, I am talking about my unpublished, unreadable piece of writing as if its a real thing. This is a no-judging zone.)

SO THIS IS REVISING, HUH?

A Foible

I've run into a problem with my writing that I foresaw earlier, but hoped it wouldn't be too much of an issue. I'm writing Summer Story in the POV of two different characters (first person present tense, which is brand new to me...I think) and although I have a rough story arc for each character, I haven't planned enough scenes in one of the MC's view. Seriously, I have about 40 scenes sketched out...and about seven or eight of them are in his POV. I need many more scenes for him, and I believe I could plan some if I weren't so pressed for time. As it is, I'm having trouble moving past the parts where I need to put a scene about him in.
I mean, I don't want to just have a couple of scenes for him. I have a lot of info for him and I want to include his voice...plus, it adds tension if I end a chapter in the POV of the other MC in a cliffhanger and then go to the problematic MC's view and write another chapter with another cliffhanger but in a different scenario, and so on.
Right now, I have three separate pages in my WIP that say, "CHAPTER #--CHARACTER NAME" and nothing else.
So...it's bothersome. I'm afraid I'll reach the end of my scenes and not have 50K. And then I won't know what to do until I'm able to plan more.  I am not good a planning under pressure.
Have you ever had a problem like this? Any advice on how to deal with it?

Don't Try This at Home, Kids

Camp NaNoWriMo, Day 6
Yesterday, obviously, was Day 5
Yesterday I tried to do a 10K day to catch up. I didn't succeed, but I didn't fail miserably. I wrote a little over 7K words. The last and only other  time I tried a 10K day, I wrote about 8K words in a day.
I didn't like that day--when I wrote 8K words in less than 24 hours--and I remembered yesterday just why I didn't enjoy it.
1. It burns you out. The first time I tried it, which was during NaNoWriMo, I got writer's block for five days. I don't have writer's block now, but I'm not on top of things. My brain still feels a little bit like a slushy, so I have to take a break.
2. You write wrong. I know the whole point of NaNo is to get the words down, don't censor yourself, just put the bones down. I think there should be some excitement left, even if you know you're doing it all wrong, but there isn't for me when I try to write that much in one day. I just feel really crappy. I'm overwhelmed by my wrong words because I've written so many of them.
3. You move too fast. For me, a writer who takes three years to write her first novel, moving at such a rapid speed is terrifying. I feel like my pacing is all wrong, like my scenes are too short. Should I really be here already? Am I forgetting something? (Yes, even though I've got it all planned out, I still feel like I'm forgetting something. I probably am, because I didn't pause to contemplate it. I forgot some piece of vital information.) I don't like it.

10K days are obviously not for me. This is probably not the last time that I'll attempt one. I'll forget one day just how terrible they are to me, and try it again. I mean, hey, there are people who can write 20K words in a day. 10K shouldn't be that hard, then.

Someone please smack me if they catch me considering to put myself through this again.

There are a few good things about 10K days. Your word count goes way up. You get to those juicy scenes that you've been just dying to write. You learn discipline. On my first 10K day, I remember relying heavily on Write or Die, and ending up with a bunch of incorrect sentences or fragments full of typos. I don't know how many typos I made yesterday, but I didn't have to open Write or Die, as much of a wonderful program it is, once. That's something.

So today, campers are supposed to be at 10K. That puts 3K on my agenda for tonight. I'm not the best at math, but I think that's significantly less than 7K, so I'll probably be okay. How are you doing with your goals?

Character Troubles and Abnormal Writing Techniques

So my June word count is still zero, and my novel is still about ten to twenty scenes short. I'm hoping that maybe later tonight or early tomorrow I will finish my plot.
Anyway, I'm going to share with you a part of my process. It's weird, okay? Don't judge. When I'm trying to figure out something, be it a plot twist, a character's life, etc, I like to do it on paper. When I have a question, I don't sit and ponder it. Instead, I write it down on paper and look at it later, and then I'm usually able to have an epiphany and answer it.
My characters for my new novel have been annoying me. They grow silent when I need them the most. So I've taken to yelling at them. Here's what is looks like on paper (literally):
To my first main character, Tara.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, TARA?

EVEN THAN KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. 

COME ON. 

SPILL. 

WHAT DRIVES YOU EVERYDAY?

IT'S NOT YOUR MOM; SHE'S DEAD, DUH.

CAN'T CRY FOR YOUR MOMMY. 

I KNOW YOU LIKE THAN.

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE THAT PATHETIC. 

YOU HAVE TO WANT SOMETHING ELSE. 

SOMETHING LESS CONCRETE. 

SOMETHING YOU'LL NEVER GET. 

TELL ME. 

I COULD KILL YOU, YOU KNOW. 

DON'T MAKE THIS A TRAGEDY. 

TRAGEDIES ARE OVERPLAYED. 

READY TO TALK YET? NO?

OH? YOU WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE YOU FOR YOU?

UH...LET ME SEE...

THIS COULD BE WHAT DRIVES YOU TO STAY IN THE WATER...

UM. OKAY. FINE. WE'LL TRY IT. 

BUT IF IT'S NOT RIGHT, I'LL BE BACK. 

OKAY. 

BE WARNED. 

And that was me trying to figure out character motivation. And here's me trying to figure out how my other main character, Than, handles life.

THAN OWENS, TALK TO ME.
YOU WANT TO LEAVE. OKAY, I GET IT. YOU WANT TO LEAVE ON A BOAT UNDER YOUR NAME. 'KAY. HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT? OH, HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S A FISH. YOU LIKED HER BEFORE SHE WAS A FISH--WHICH YOU'LL NEVER ADMIT--AND YOU KNEW SHE WAS A FISH WHEN YOU STARTED DATING HER. HOW DOES THIS EFFECT YOU? YOU'RE A FISHERMAN, DAMMIT. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH SECRETS? WHAT IF YOU'RE FISHING AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY CATCH A MERROW? NO, NOT A MINNOW. A MERROW. AS IN, YOUR GIRLFRIEND. HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE TO COVER FOR HER BECAUSE SHE'S SUCH A BAD LIAR? HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE TO PICK HER UP LATE AT NIGHT FROM THE BEACH BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T HELP HERSELF? YOU'RE AN ENABLER, DUDE. YOU HAVE WANTS AND DREAMS, TOO. AND PROBLEMS. WHAT ABOUT YOUR HEART? YOU FATHERS HEART? THEY'RE TAKING YOUR MONEY SLOWLY BECAUSE OF THE HOSPITAL BILLS. SURE, YOU'RE HAPPY WHEN YOU'RE WITH TARA, BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU'RE NOT WITH HER? BESIDES, SHE'S CHANGING. ALL SHE CARES ABOUT ANYMORE IS THE SEA. YOU CAN'T TALK TO HER. SO ANYWAY, THIS BOAT YOUR NEIGHBOR GAVE YOU. MAYBE, NOW IF YOU CAN FIX IT QUICKLY, YOU CAN FIX EVERYTHING ELSE. YOUR FATHER. BUT NO MONEY. WHAT KINDS OF THINGS ARE YOU WILLING TO DO FOR MONEY? YOU'RE AN HONEST MAN, SO NOTHING ILLEGAL, OF COURSE. MAYBE TAKE EXTRA SHIFTS, SELL YOUR STUFF...

Okay, so obviously, Than Owens is much harder for me to pinpoint than Tara O'Sullivan. I did figure some information out from doing this, though: a couple of scenes, some of the character's thoughts, reactions.
This probably doesn't make sense to the world completely outside of my head. I probably seem crazy. I'm not. I'm just a writer who is seriously pressed on time and can't get straight answers from her characters. Yeah, I'm kind of harsh on my MCs. Squeezing lemon juice into their wounds...torture shouldn't always be the answer, unless you're in as much of a pickle that I'm in.
NaNoWriMo has begun. Still no progress.

I, uh, forgot to pack my...

Plot. I forgot to pack my plot.
"Huh?" You ask, scratching the side of your head.
Well, today is June 1st--otherwise known as the beginning of Camp NaNoWriMo. It's like the normal NaNoWriMo, but in the summer and with cabins full of other writers.
The writers in my cabin are probably happily building their word counts and chatting with each other right now. Well, okay, they're probably in their beds, deeply asleep, dreaming about words and stories. It's nearly 3 am as I write this, and since I have an abnormal fear of the hour 3 am, I refuse to go to bed until 4. I'm thinking, though, that I'll just pull an all-nighter. It's summer.
I'm not writing though. I'm hiding out behind the dining hall at camp, biting my nails.
What's my problem?
I FORGOT TO PACK MY PLOT.

My cat, Christopher Robin, trying not to laugh at me as he lounges on all there is of my WIP. 

So. I recently finished my first manuscript, and immediately began planning my next novel because Camp was just a couple of days away. It seems it takes me slightly longer than a couple of days to plan a novel. I am definitely NOT a pantser. Not even slightly.
I must have every single scene plotted before I can write the novel, or I get terrible writer's block mixed with the anxiety that this idea might not be novel worthy. This is part of the reason why it took me three years to finish my first manuscript. I had the beginning, the climax, the end, and a bunch of scenes in between that I wanted to get to. I even made lists (especially when I had writer's block) of the sequence of events. I really didn't get very far in my novel until I realized that my problem was I had events, but I didn't have a detailed enough outline. So I wrote a summary of each day that the novel took place over, including all of the scenes.
I'm approaching my SummerStory slightly differently, but it's fundamentally the same. Right now, it's twenty scenes scribbled on twenty note cards, chronologically placed on my floor while I try to fill in the large gaps in between.
It's not quite ready to be written yet. Getting there. Just, not yet.
I never imagined planning a new novel would be so scary. How did I ever do this before?
Okay, I'm going to quite literally crack my knuckles and get back to plotting now. It's raining. Maybe that'll inspire me.

So how about you? How do you plan for a novel? Are you doing Camp NaNoWriMo? (:

Writer's Block, and How I Overcome it

Writer's block.
It sucks. It's common. It's scary.
It shouldn't happen.
But it does.

I'll give you an example.

So last night, I was happily typing away the end of my story, watching my word count grow and trying to keep a somber mood to match the story's current tone. I was very absorbed in my world; I didn't care that my AC was broken, it was 95 degrees, and I was sitting on a leather couch. I had a fan. My mom told me to open a window, and I mumbled, "Why don't you?" Which, of course, made her turn off my fan and leave. Did I jump up and turn it back on? Nope. I just kept typing while I slowly suffocated/dehydrated.
...Until something bad happened. Not in my story, but with my story. I came to the realization that while I had been making my very detailed plot, I had kind of skimmed the ending and didn't take in to account a few very important matters. Which led my characters to neighborhood I didn't know existed and to a building I haven't designed.(I make floor plans for all of my buildings.)
 As soon as they stepped inside the mystery building, my imagination flat-lined. I couldn't figure out how it was supposed to look to be productive in the story. They were supposed to meet a character in there, but I didn't know where she was. I didn't know where anything was. I couldn't even finish a sentence.
So, I calmly stepped away from the story with my hands on my head. No harm, no foul.
I stopped thinking about it, took out a book, and went to bed.

Today, I opened my manuscript up and didn't try to finish that sentence. I didn't even waste a second looking at it. I scrolled back up to where I had been before I'd gotten lost and pulled out my map (AKA plot). I drew a floor plan. I re-read my plot and added the details I'd forgotten and changed the stuff that needed innovation. (Sometimes the problem that has you stuck could be in what you've already done.) Once that was finished, though, I didn't continue writing immediately. I took a walk. I started a new book and payed extra attention to how the author described things. I put in an awesome movie with great dialogue and an epic story. (Pirates of the Caribbean, of course.) I soaked in new wisdom and doodled a bit. I let other people do the thinking for me for a little while.
Then I looked at my story and deleted the evil sentence, ready to finish the scene with a refreshed mind.
Well, okay, then I made a cup of coffee because my eyelids are feeling heavy for some reason and wrote this blog post. (Sorry for any typos--the caffeine hasn't kicked in yet.)
My life motto is stuff happens. I don't dwell on the small things that have no solutions. I don't let myself freak out. Stress makes everything worse. I stay calm, take a break. If I can't think of something at that moment, I shouldn't keep trying think about it. I distract myself with different activity. It always comes to me in due time. The world won't end. Not when I have an unfinished manuscript. The sun will come out tomorrow.

So what about you? How do you deal with writer's block?