Saturday, September 15, 2012

Feeling Awful

untitled by Maggie Lochtenberg on Flickr

Hi. I am somewhat still alive, although I do find myself struggling to breathe under these mountains of homework. I also have a fairly annoying cold. I'm probably overworking myself. Compared to everyone else, though, I feel like I'm hardly working at all. My motivation is a bit lacking. That, and some of my homework assignments are, well, stupid.
My English class this year is focused a lot around writing. It's a fabulous idea. We have a writing assignment nearly every night. We learn different techniques to improve our writing, like parallelism and verb play. We even get "writing buddies", which is basically the same concept of a critique partner except sometimes we actually have to actually write things together. The creative writing assignments are, in my opinion, horrible.
I'm not sure if I'm the only one (I seem to be at my school) but I have a great deal of trouble writing about myself (writing a blog post about myself is totally different).
Here is a list of some of the assignments I've had recently:
-Write about an ideal dream you have
-Write about a scary experience you've had
-Write about a person you admire get the picture. Writing these essays is doing a toll on my confidence as a writer. I don't think that I'm anywhere near being an excellent writer and I'm not looking for people to reassure me. It's just...I've written hundreds of thousands more words than my friends have and hell, I do it all for fun. Why would these 500 and less word essays stress me out? Why does everything I turn in feel like absolute rubbish? I want to cry. I want to lay down in my bed and wrap myself in my blankets so tightly that all of the negative feelings are squeezed out. Earlier this summer, I came to peace with the decision that I want to be a writer. There's nothing I love doing more, nothing else that I feel I invest the rest of my life in. Some might say these assignments are good for me. I'm learning how to deal with self doubt. I'm learning to write stuff I don't care about. I'm learning new techniques. Bla bla bla.
I tried looking at it that way but I still feel awful.
Some of my sadness could be from not being able to work on my MS for what feels like months. I'm running very behind on my schedule, and the guilt of not working on it is breaking me, but the guilt of working on it instead of my homework would be even worse. It's getting to the point where I've forgotten how really writing makes me feel. I'm gaining all sorts of negative connotations toward it because of these exercises. And that is killing me.
Also, it's been a long time since I've read a good book (or any book, for that matter). I always get a bit fuzzy around the edges when I'm not able to read.
Have you ever had to deal with something like this? What do you think? Is it a sign that maybe I'm not as cut out for writing as I initially thought? (I'm never going to give up, I promise.)
Anyway, that is what is up with me. Hope everyone else is doing well. And if you're not, hang in there. I have this immortal belief that things will always get better if you wait long enough. Some call it hope.

"Read books. Care about things. Get excited. Try not to be too down on yourself. Enjoy the ever present game of knowing." --Hank Green

"Don't feel stupid if you don't like what everyone else pretends to love." --Emma Watson

An adorable cat picture to make up for this somber and whiny post:


  1. This happens to me a lot in school. I feel like I should be so great at writing because I sit for hours in front of a blank word document and spew out word after word. But then I get to school and write out an essay to turn in and get maybe a B or C on it while other students (who do not read or write like I do) get A's. It's very discouraging to me and I often feel the same self doubt that you do. It's hard to explain the absolute uncertainty a realization like this can make you experience.

    And not reading a good book for a while is another problem I have. Sometimes if I have picked up a book that everyone is raving about and I was excited to start and end up not liking it, I think "Has my love of reading gone? Am I not passionate about reading anymore?" And these thoughts absolutely terrify me, as strange and silly as that may sound.

    Anyway, I just wanted to get across that you are not alone. Everyone experiences these feelings at one point or another and there isn't much you can do about them besides working that much harder or possibly talking to someone about it!

    I'm always here if you need someone to talk to! About anything, really. You need some help on homework? I'll try my best! You want my opinion on a bit of your writing? I'm more than happy to help! You just want to rant about life and cry? I'm fine with that, too! :)

    1. I recently saw this video that Maggie Stiefvater did where she talks about what she was like as a teenager. She didn't care about school, she was rude, she got speeding tickets...and yet, now that she's grown up and kind of famous, people don't think of all of the things she did as being rebellious, but instead artistic. It's pretty inspiring. I don't think we should let the grades our teachers give us tell us where we are in the whole scheme of things. Not getting an A on a school paper doesn't mean that we're bad writers. It just means that we were given a bad topic or the teacher has a weird idea of what he or she is looking for. What really matters about our writing is that we love it and we don't let anyone stop us or discourage us from doing it. Writing something for school isn't really the same thing as writing a story you love, right? Totally different. The grades you get in high school do not trump your dreams. Being happy is more important than being a perfect student. In my opinion, at least.

      And being afraid that you've suddenly lost your passion for reading and writing is not silly. I get that all the time. I think it just means we're reading the wrong books at the wrong time. Once we find what truly draws us to story telling and witnessing, we're perfectly fine and crazy once more.(;

      Thank you so much for you support, dear!(: I'm here for you too, whatever you need just say the word and I'll be there! And I will probably definitely be coming to you whenever I just feel like crying.;D Hope your well!


I'd love to hear your thoughts!